a shaved head
Years ago, when I was 16, I put “shave my head” on my life bucket list. The thought scared the absolute shit out of me, and it had crossed my mind for years. I’d had dream after dream about a shaved head. Deep down, a part of me never really believed that I would muster up the courage to do it.
The thoughts reached a breaking point when I attended an ecstatic dance with my aunt and cousin over winter break (of course lmao), two of the strongest women that I know. As I shook it all out and lost myself in thought, shaving my head came up in my mind again. As they had so many times before, my heart rate quickened, my face flushed, and my breath caught. However, this time felt a bit different.
On the drive home, I talked to my aunt about the decision. I told her about my fears. As they left my mouth, I realized they were so DUMB. “My family won’t like it.” Okay aaaand they’re your family. And they love you no matter what. “I won’t attract boys". I haven’t been attracting good quality boys so honestly, that’s completely fine! “I’ll upset the image that I’ve made of myself in others minds.” Well, if I spend my whole life upholding that image, I’ll have a damn boring life. My aunt drilled home that if I shaved my head with other people’s judgements in mind, she wouldn’t shave my head. It’s the most radical thing that I could have done that only impacted me.
After that conversation, the decision was made. I said, “Let’s shave my head.” And we did. At 1am, I turned on Michael Franti, did a little ritual, and said goodbye to my hair. Fifteen minutes later, it was gone. The feeling of my cousin hacking my hair off with a pair of kitchen scissors was so funny and honestly not scary at all.
Shaving my head made me feel fucking cool!
As I walked into my childhood home, I yelled, “I have a surprise!” From the kitchen, my sister said, “Did you shave your head?” Holy shit. How does she know? As it turned out, she had had a dream about it the night before - something only that a sibling could know.
Shaven my head proved to be a personal dilemma. On one hand, I knew that shaving my head would be a choice not everyone liked. That was the power in the action - in doing something disagreeable, because I’ve been agreeable my whole damn life. I have jumped through the hoops and said the right things and done the actions of what I am expected. I’ve been Senior Class President and I’ve gone to college and not gotten pregnant and I’ve generally gone down the “right path”. Being from a small town is difficult. So much of my identity is tied to Sandpoint. My parents, their friends, my community. It felt almost as if I was betraying that community by taking a choice completely for myself. So, naturally, I felt that I must do it. There’s that dumb saying that “do what scares you most.” I’d not believed that until I shaved my head. I used to lie awake at night and work myself up thinking about all the possible repercussions of a shaved head. Would I look and the mirror and cry because I look like a boy? Would I be cold as shit in winter? I have had absolutely no regrets.
Ultimately, shaving my head made me take a closer look at myself and embark on quite the journey. It has been one of the most feminine and empowering things I’ve done for myself. I’ve always struggled with not feeling feminine enough. From the way that I dress to my hobbies to the way I speak to my peers, I have a deep insecurity of being too masculine. I’ve been questioned about my sexuality and feel that I have to prove that I like men (which is fucking weird in my opinion, but that’s a fault in me, not in other people). Anyways. It’s the most radical thing that I could have done that only impacted me.
If you’re thinking about it, do it! It’s a step into a new self. It makes you look into yourself quite deeply. It’s expedited self growth. Oh, and it’s really fucking nice while traveling. Thanks for reading.